« First Week Futility »

Man, what a slog this week was. Each full work day this week was a "three shower day." I just woke from a five hour "nap" that marched in and took control of my life a while ago.

I "only" worked 36 hours this week. It was supposed to be 40 but on Wednesday, word came down that since it was slow at the shop with a bare minimum of shows, next week, each of the new guys would lose a day. So I was bracing to lose Monday as was indicated on my schedule. Today at 10:30 I was told that I'd be off at noon. As it was, my calculations when I took this job were centered around a pretty solid 40 hours, not 32. I guess this is temporary until gigs come in around the end of September, and maybe I shouldn't be worried, but worry I do. All my math is getting messed up now before I even see my first check. Kelli and I are not going to be too well off when we find out how much it takes to live in two different places at once, replete with rising commute costs and storage. It just isn't going to be sensible to do that unless I either get my hours back or start doing shows, or take another job. But another job is fucking unimaginable to me. This first week was fucking work that left me real tired. Forget doing anything else. I don't even want to entertain silly nonsense income like web design and music recording. Both of those are so ridiculously lame as income sources it's silly. Nah, I have to try to snag some paying gig maybe doing mixing where I can pick up a cool $200 a night in one night's time. Forget doing a web site that costs $700 and takes forever to finish. That won't cut it.

So (and I really should have started a new paragraph in there, but I'm too drained to think clearly anymore), really if this business of losing hours and paying for two places to live keeps up, I think its going to get to the point where we have to move and really make the jump up to Claremont CA where her school is. That would cut our expenses by $400-600. Of course, I'd have to bail on my new job and go in for yet another round of moving hell and employment uncertainty as I look up there. I still don't know how I could look up there while I live down here and work enough of the time to be worn out. Or maybe I should take my days off and go up to Claremont to scope it out. I was thinking that a few months of Kelli being up there would give us some idea of what is there and how to make it work. All these last few weeks its been seeming that this present arrangement is one that almost has to end in a few months because its unsustainable unless I get all those hours back and/or get some serious income off something else. Otherwise the math is just not working out well. As it is, Kelli has been really clear about this place not cutting it for her. Hey, it doesn't cut it for me either, but we're the fucking working poor here and don't have much in the way of options. The inertia of our four bedroom lifestyle just ran into one bedroom reality. So, no studio or instruments but my funky old acoustic guitar. No real space to do shit. No patio to sit and decompress after a long day. It's just real weird. Kelli and I have been arguing like mad about stupid shit for most of the time but for a few days earlier in the week. The place is cramped with unpacked this and that. It's just maddening. It seems more like life just fell apart in this move because now my time is filled with work that wears me out and really is pretty futile and meaningless to the 2005 me, and I have no energy to do much else but the necessary loose ends of moving—cancel bills, start new ones, get the old place cleaned out, etc.

Depressing really. Stupidly fucking depressing. The best deal out of all this really has to be the clever deal I secured to store my music gear. Free. It's called "take it to dad's and leave it in the same room that was evacuated in two hours nine years ago." Man, when did the sunny side of things ever take the form of my dad being the answer to my prayers? Of course I have no fucking idea what to do when his offer expires in a few months. Maybe I just need to sell everything. It's so silly how I have all this stuff and get so little use out of it. Sometimes it just seems like I should go smash it on the street and leave it there for big trucks to reduce to dust that can be swept away. I get really fucking angry at things. I hate material things, really.

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