« Sounds Like Someone Has A Case Of The Mondays »

Well, today was my last day at the Clairemont senior center job. It lasted 15 months. Today was odd. Ending on a Monday is odd. It was the last day of the month, so that explains it, but it was just odd waking up to work on Monday then being plunged into the neverending weekend right afterwards. There was no fanfare to speak of. True to form, I slipped in this morning at the caterer's kitchen in Kearny Mesa, without even a word. I've been going there for a year and still know the names of only two people there, and one of them I learned only last week! At most, I think I knew only about three of their names in a year. I went about my route but in a less organized manner than usual. People got a little chatty and wanted to get some last words in, so I fell behind by a bit in the start. I went to my congregate lunch site in Linda Vista where I stay about an hour. Today they were going to have cake and ice cream initially to mark the closing of the site, but when it ended up remaining open, the ice cream and cake were supposed to be for my going away. Well, I forgot about all that, and in the process of trying to instruct a lady who would be taking my place doing the minor paperwork and money collection, there was this other lady who came in and made an ass of herself and even got me a little tense because she was going on asking for something we couldn't provide and turning down that which we could provide. All the while I was thinking, 'lady, shutup and let me have my last few minutes here in peace, and you'll never have to endure me again.' I totally missed out on the cake and ice cream. Grrrr. I went on my way after saying farewell to everyone at the lunch site, and headed back to my route, where a few more well wishers awaited my last delivery. I took the truck home to give it a bath and freshen it up after months of not doing so. Lucky for me it was a decent day to get into shorts and go spraying the garden hose around. Then it was back to trade trucks and make my way back to the office for the last time. No real fanfare there. Really, the extent of unusual happenings was limited to a hug from Joyce who had been the one to give me the warm welcome on the first day in October 2003. Ordinarily, I don't get such welcomes, and ordinarily, I don't part ways with jobs so gracefully.

It was on the way home that it sunk in that things are different. I've been doing this line of work now for two and a half years. That isn't a long time in itself, but it's the work that I took to liking and the one that was there for me through some hard times while working at the first job (Poway), and some good times while at the second (Clairemont), like deciding to get married—it's been a good underpinning for me. The money was solid, there were some benefits, I liked it for the purpose it served. My overwhelming outlook on the state of the world now is a drag, but lately it's been worse. When you subscribe to the idea that the growth economy and industrial civilization is on it's way out, the prospects of job hunting seem dim and useless. I'd rather be a full time student; at least there is satisfaction in learning and working solely to improve my own standing. I do nothing but fall into despair when looking at job leads, feeling really insecure at how I measure up to the qualifications listed. Today was dim when I got home. My two week grace period came and went and all I did was make music with Glenn instead of doing much of anything to look for a job, even while Kelli was adamant about my needing to get a job. Making music isn't the problem. That is much needed after years of frustrating non starts and throwing away nearly everything ever recorded in that time. I just totally hate the job search. I'd rather practice bleeding. I can think of nothing that is more demeaning than trying to sell myself to people who really could take or leave me. It's not that I can't do anything. Surely someone needs what I can do. I just find it unbearable to go through the exercise of telling them they need me. I hate competition like that. I am uncompetitive. So today, I took a nap—the only logical thing to do, especially given that even my email program decided to argue with me, giving me a total fit of rage for the few minutes I let it (only to work perfectly fine after my nap). Fortunately Kelli got home early and offered to help take me to school tonight since traffic is a nightmare on the first day of class.

I had a respite from the despair of my uncertain future when I went to school to start another semester at Mesa. Tonight's class was my Jazz history class, which looks to be a breeze for me. My Wednesday class will be a basic humanities intro. I like going to school. I find it has put an end to my depression on the times that I have returned to school. Something about it satisfies me in a way I need to be satisfied. It gives me form in my schedule, and learning something is always nice, but then it's also a way to achieve something for wholly altruistic reasons. I don't question my motive when I succeed in school, and actually now my GPA is higher than it was earlier in college, and that was higher than it was in high school, which was higher than before, etc. My last three classes have been all A grades for me, and before that I was a 3.5 as it was. In HS, I graduated with a 3.33. You don't want to know what I had in middle school. Kelli came back and picked me up from school and brought the dog with her who apparently was totally bewildered earlier when Kelli returned from dropping me off and coming home alone. Aww. Sweet.

And then today was also the day when my roommate confirmed that he was leaving in a few weeks. Great. Just fucking great. Like I need that. It was hard enough to get him and the other roommate in the fall. I never liked roommate turnover, but this last cycle was absurdly prolonged and cost some money in downtime.

Tomorrow Glenn and I are going to play starting around noon and will take the rest of the work day to make some music. It has been a long time since I have done that. I say it's time. Soon I'll have some stuff to play. We have a track we are working on and it's leaving me excited both as guitarist and bassist, but just as a creative person that has been like a compressed spring ready to spring out when the time and circumstances were right.

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