« Build a Better Mouse Trap »

Tonight Kelli and I were about to hit the sack for the night when she was on the bed, and let out one of those yelping screams that you hear in TV and movies. I thought she had cut herself or got bit by a snake or something. It sounded important. It was a tiny two inch mouse that was the cause for all that commotion. She got out of the room and left me to my own devices. I did the usual bit of shuffling furniture around, only to have the mouse dodge me behind the last piece I moved. I did this little game for a while. I had a flashlight and a bunch of shoes—maybe about seven pairs between us. I chased that little bugger around for a while. I got some duct tape (good for these domestic terror episodes like tonight) and after moving all the furniture I wanted to move and standing my king sized matress on edge, I taped the floor openings on the furniture, and the spaces at the bottom of the doors (3). The best place to nab this little Osama was in the closet, so I sort of barricaded that so I had the upper hand. This went on for an hour or so. After a while, I took a bath towel and wet it up because the closed up room was getting stuffy and I was sweating like a pig. Then the idea of using the towel came to mind. It was heavy, it was wet, it was big. I could just throw the thing on Osama and let him suffocate. After another 20 minutes of kicking furniture, throwing the towel at him and using long straight objects to reach under and behind things to scare him, I finally got him in the closet again. I got a good shot with the towel. He was actually sort of behind a stack of old porn video tapes when the towel landed on him. Too impatient to let him suffocate while my room was torn asunder, I just started kicking and stomping from an odd angle. The porn video tape must have flattened him enough. Aint heard a peep out of him since. I'll wait till tomorrow when the blood is dry before I clean it up.

So I know some joker is gonna call PETA and turn me in to John Ashcroft. Either that or I will be hailed by ladies everywhere for exterminating public enemy number one. Lauded by ladies? I'm up for that!

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