Wednesday
Jun232004

« Pathos »

Ordinarily I like June gloom. No, it isn't a depressed woman. It's the overcast weather we get here in Sandy Eggo in the few months leading up to the summer. June gloom is preceded by May gray, you see. Actually, I do like it, but things are sort of echoing the weather here. Tomorrow, I have a dental cleaning appointment, the first since waytoofuckinglongago. I didn't look forward to it um, years ago, and I'm not burning with desire to be treated to a sit down episode with medieval tools of torture jabbing around in my mouth. Of all the medical professions that have advanced and can do all those amazing things with lasers and ultrasonic waves, the dental profession still uses pick axes, drills, and rakes. Damn!

Or, the last week was a hard time with Kelli. As we close in on our wedding, things have been getting stressed. Our counseling has been, um, lively. Then she was gone for a few days and I tried to get in touch with a me that doesn't really exist much anymore, so I felt really blue by the end of weekend when I realized my next CD isn't going to come to me like the last one. I have made this discovery countless times since late 2000 or so. I've been stagnant. It isn't for lack of things to play, but lack of will to finish any of it, so I erase things almost as fast as they come to me because I am utterly lost with regards to arranging or overdubbing, and doing what I used to do. Playing live with musicians can be a great time for me, because I actually leave my comfort zone, but usually on my own, I am totally lost. I have many good albums in my head, but none are getting a proper recording. Anyhow, that was the long way of saying my weekend started optimistically but ended ho-hum, despite doing the studio setup that I had been putting off since late April.

I fear there is a dose of depression coming on. Things with Kelli have been tenuous lately, but more than that, the daily news is just depressing. Or, as I was listening to someone say, there may be a distinction to be made. There is depression that you can medicate and counsel away. But then there is melancholy of a far more profound sort, like an ache for the world. It is certainly more than anyone can handle, and these days, you can't spit without hitting a newspaper, magazine, TV, computer, radio or whatever that doesn't supply you with a million reasons to feel lost and hopeless. I feel it every day, even if I can keep my depression in check. The part that grinds on me is that I can do a lot now to keep depression at bay, by making better choices, but then I just get stopped cold in my tracks when I realize that the world is just gonna keep on being a disaster area, no matter what I do. Some say, 'well turn the damned radio off.' Well, I have to admit, there was a time when I did sort of dodge the world of politics and news. Not to the point of being clueless, but just enough to know enough that would help me be a poser in a conversation, while not really knowing the fuller context. Really, all the news didn't seem important to me until a few years ago. Now I think it is, and I sort of have a sharpening focus of what my place in the world is, and so I feel I have to keep up and understand things, in the age of gross lies, scandals, misinformation, fear, hatred, and invasions of privacy. Sure, I could turn off the radio or not read the papers, but really, that's not a way to be an informed citizen. A lot of what is passing for patriotism these days is dangerous acceptance of the party line. Some call me unpatriotic for protesting this morally bankrupt war, and I get blank stares when I suggest we should stop the war, pull out of the Middle East, conserve oil resources, and give up this illusion of wealth. The cracks in the wall are all around, and you have to be blind to not see them. And I feel sad that we are where we are at. So I walk this fine line between being informed and plowing headlong into depression.

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