Friday
May072004

« TAPKAE.com Refocus »

This site is being pared down to as little as possible for the time being. Right now, the only think I feel I have to offer in terms of content is my blog page. Anything else seems wrong to me. The old version of the site was way too self indulgent, and that is but one reason I buried it. It just doesn't speak to me any longer, or the way I want to present things.

The world is an interesting place. More and more I find I am awakening from a sleep. Sometimes it is terrible, sometimes it is joyous. The first two semesters of school after my ten year hiatus were important to me. Each was an important addition to my ability to communicate. Likewise, months of counseling sessions for myself and for my fiancee (two different sessions) have further added to my communication toolbox. The school assignments have had me approach things in a systematic and generally objective way, though there has been subjective wiggle room too. All my topics have been near and dear to me, ranging from depression to many of the socially conscious topics that turn up in my blogs. In fact, the blogs have actually been testing ground for some of the more recent papers I have done. On the counseling front, I have had to become more subjective, and frankly humble in learning to communicate with people around me, hopefully in constructive ways. In most cases, there is progress. One relationship in particular is sliding backwards at an alarming rate, and it is absolutely not because of me, even though I would be given credit. But we all know parents are fucked up, right?

Anyhow, things are just different. I want you to read my blog entries. Some are pathetically mundane, and some emerge from me almost without my knowing, and sometimes I just read it back and feel like a person I never knew I was or could be. More than the silly collages I make, or the dissonant music that has lost its luster for me, the word is the fundamental unit of communication, and for years, various people have told me to write because I emote in one way or another, or that I have a perspective, or whatever any given reader latched on to at the time. Ironically, some of those people aren't here to read it because that same use of language has liberated me from them.

The promise of any random person stumbling upon this material is a motivator. The Internet has been my home for a while now, closing in on three years. I once abused it, and abused people I met through it and really got in over my head. There are lots of reasons. But all the while, I wanted to be heard. Well, this is my little piece of Net heaven, and now I can say whatever I want, and anyone can read however much they can tolerate. Part of it is good just to get things out of my head, but I really do hope it has some impact for someone, even if I don't know who they are, or what happens. I guess it is just a leap of faith. What I do know is that I email people who have somehow enriched me while on the net, so they feel validated. The opportunity for direct and pure communication is unmatched by any other medium. It is an opportunity. There still will be gross misuses of the medium; but for those willing, it can be the light in the dark, when all else we read or watch can be disturbing or downright lies, and a million degrees in between.

Namaste.

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